Yesterday I spent some time with my mom out in the garage, clearing out some cupboards. I found three boxes of stuff that I had packed away after finishing college, prior to leaving for Korea. I thought I had cleared out all of my stuff, but this was in a different place from the other things.
I started looking through it and found a large box full of letters. I used to be a prolific letter writer and as a result got a lot of letters back. This was back around 1995 before most people had email and no one I knew had a cell phone and texting was unheard of. I started reading the letters and oh my! Took me back. Most of the letters are from people that I am no longer in touch with. Some are from people that are no longer living. Some are from boys that I thought were going to change my life
As I read the letters I remembered back to those times. I realised that I had a lot of regrets and was ashamed with the way that I treated some people. For some stupid reason I thought I’d try to find some of them so I jumped on the computer and located a few of them. One guy now has a PhD in music performance and has made quite a name for himself as a trombonist. One guy is a structural engineer and his parents still live in the same house here in town. (it’s very hard to find women because they get married and change their names.)
I was talking to a friend this morning, asking her opinion on if I should contact one person in particular to ask for forgiveness. I was selfish and selfish and selfish. I can’t think of another word to describe my behaviour. She asked me what it could possibly achieve, 14 years later. I have asked God for forgiveness and I know he’s forgiven me. Would contacting this person achieve anything? What is my motive?
As I thought about my motive, I realised it centred more around wanting people to think good of me, rather than trying to clear the air, which was 14 years old. After mulling it over a bit more, I’ve decided to just leave the past in the past. If I spend all my time worrying about the past and all the things I’ve done wrong, I won’t be living in the present. I have learned from my mistakes and I pray that I won’t repeat them again.
And my husband saw all the letters, a lot from boys that I had been interested in at some point, and he just chuckled and smiled. That smile that says - aren’t you glad you got me instead?? And yes I am. I do not regret for one minute that I married him or that my life has been what it is.