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Why do I feel like a failure? » Philoxenos

Philoxenos

Why do I feel like a failure?

16th May 2007

Why do I feel like a failure?

posted in Uncategorized |

My daughter started preschool yesterday. Here in New Zealand they have free preschool, which they call kindergarten, from age 3. The idea is a child goes for two years then starts school when they turn 5 (they have rolling enrolments). They start off going three afternoons a week from 12:30-3, then when they turn four they  start going five mornings a week from 9-11:30. It’s a great programme and I’ve only heard good things about it.
But.

My husband and I have been discussing for over a year the idea of homeschooling our children. There are a variety of reasons but one of them is that we believe we are their best teachers, particularly when they’re little. So when our oldest daughter approached three, we discussed again whether or not we wanted to send her to kindy. We decided no. One of the main reasons being that it wasn’t going to gain us anything (we have quiet time in the afternoon so it’s not like I get more free time) and it was going to cost us a lot (keeping younger children awake in order to drop off/pick up sister). I made much more of an effort to do ‘preschool’ things with her and that seemed to work.

Until.

Lately, mostly since the baby was born in March, she’s been getting antsy. Really antsy. Obviously I’m not able to spend as much time with her because I now divide myself between three children instead of two. We now have three children that can get sick instead of two. If one of her siblings is sick then I can’t take her over to a friend’s house to play. Also, my husband has started a new job which means he needs the car sometimes. When he worked from home I had use of the car whenever I wanted essentially. So I don’t always have a car to take the kids places and some friends live too far away to walk. So we’re spending a bit more time at home than we used to. Not that I went out all the time, but probably once a week we’d go to a friend’s house to play and we spend Wednesdays at church in the morning and Thursdays at Bible study, which she loves.

As I wrote here life last week was difficult, particularly Friday. I realise that’s part of life, but I really wasn’t coping well. My husband and I talked about strategies to deal with it and we discussed having our oldest start kindy three afternoons a week. We are intending to move the end of July so it would only be until then. I contacted the kindy on Monday and they said she could start the next day. She LOVED it. Talked about it all morning and then talked about it all morning again today. She just waved goodbye and off she went.

So why do I feel like a failure? I feel like if I were a better mom (better organised, more fun, more whatever) she wouldn’t be so keen to go to kindy and she’d be happy to stay at home with her brother and sister. And then I’m thinking “How in the world am I going to manage to homeschool her for real? Like for real school, not just preschool?” And the answer is - I don’t know. We’re not totally set on homeschooling. It’s not like we think sending our kids to public school is a sin or anything.

I have a lot more to say about this, but I’ll leave it for another time. In the meantime, I’m going to focus on the good things - she finally has some place to paint and I don’t have to clean it up!

There are currently 2 responses to “Why do I feel like a failure?”

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  1. 1 On May 17th, 2007, USMama said:

    By the time your oldest is ready for real school your youngest will be 18mos and the middle child will be 3yrs so homeschooling won’t be as impossible as it sounds now. Just wait and take one day at a time. Right now I can see how kindy is right for the time you have left in NZ. You are definitely not a failure.

  2. 2 On May 17th, 2007, MicheleinNZ said:

    Thanks, Mom.

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