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2006 December 30 » Philoxenos

Philoxenos

motherhood unplugged

30th December 2006

motherhood unplugged

Sometimes I honestly do believe that I am the worst mother ever. And I’m not even sure if this is even appropriate for a blog post. I’m sure my husband will let me know and I might have to come back and delete it. But until then… A few evenings ago I had pretty close to a mental breakdown. There were many tears and sobs and carrying on and I wish I could say that was from the kids. It was all from me. After another episode of putting to bed a very difficult little person, I just felt completely drained and absolutely ineffective as a mother. If I can’t even put a kid to bed without the whole world falling apart, how in the world can I expect to raise them to the age of 18 and be ready to go into the world as contributing citizens? Sometimes I don’t know what God was thinking.

As I read back over that paragraph, it hit me. On my own I am definitely not capable of raising children. Or a goldfish for that matter. But God doesn’t ask me to do it alone. All through scripture He is almost begging to walk beside me, to carry me even, so that I’m not alone. He has given me a Godly husband to partner with in teaching our children more about being God’s people. He has given me a Bible full of wisdom to study to prepare myself for answering the 20 bazillion questions I get every day about “why?” And most importantly I think, He has given me the Holy Spirit to literally indwell me, to be my Counsellor, to help me be the mother that God wants me to be.

As I type I have tears in my eyes, threatening to fall, because I realise that I’m incredibly hopeless without God. I simply cannot do anything on my own and it’s when I’m focussed on all the things I think I’m supposed to be doing instead of on the things that God has set out for me to do that I fail.

To the incredible Creator of the Universe, the One who knows every secret pain and longing in my heart, I give my life - every floor littered with crushed crackers, each unironed shirt that hangs waiting to be ironed, every kitchen counter with untold sticky spots, each child that is a gift from you. Lord, I plead with you teach me how to be the mom and wife that you want me to be.

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